Friday, May 6, 2011

RANDOM

Remember how I ramble on and on about how people seem not to notice I’m gay? Oh well! Looks like I’m actually that transparent in every sense, considering the fact that these dudes in my class put me on the spot and asked if I was a big fat gay. So maybe I really am a stereotype, whatever! With this realization my fear of labels has kicked into overdrive. I am still uncomfortable with being affirmed gay. Suddenly the imaginary court in my head seems to have given me a sentence whenever people conclude or even suggest that I must be gay. Now I have not exactly hidden it either; not once have I been asked if I was gay and said no, not once! I like to keep people guessing, its all part of this sophisticated fa├žade I project, or think I project on a day to day basis. Plus its really fun being the boy who MIGHT be gay.

Before I leave this place I hope to fully gain the strength to live life as an out gay man, to not care about what people think. I was raised being told by my parents; ‘Comb your hair! People will think you’re this’, ‘Pull up your socks, people will think you’re that.’ It was always what other people thought, why couldn’t I instead pull my socks up for me? It sucks to say that on mothers day but on the contrary I’ll have you know my parents are the best parents one could ever have, so it is impossible for me to blame the fact that I am not confident in my sexuality on them, or my insatiable need for human approval, I could blame it on genetics, or my country. Hell, many gays are not confident in their sexuality either, even in the so called ‘Land of the Free’, the USA, with all its victories and strides in gay rights, LGBT people are still considered the bastards of the world, or less-than. I’m pretty sure a gay kiss in central park would raise many eyebrows. Don’t even get me started on the UK, or South Africa. Truth is the U.S is still a long way from full equality…funny isn’t it, if the US is a long way away from the finishing line, then where does Uganda fall? Is it even on the track yet? Plenty times I think that by the time Uganda has its first gay-pride parade, the whole concept of gay pride will be irrelevant in the western world. But you can never really know.

I’ve decided its time to grow up. I don’t want to come out; I just want to be out…to just be! atleast while I’m outside Uganda. To me the term ‘coming out’ suggests an announcement, and I don’t want to announce anything, because straight people do not announce that they are so, black people do not announce that they are so, they just are, unless of course they are asked. And we’ll see where this thing takes us.